Ziggy Beaujangles

So this is my first post since January, when I declared in a new years resolution that I would try to write one post a week. Well that didn't turn out quite as planned! It's been a difficult time for me if i'm honest. I want to be honest and also want to try to break the habit of mental illness not being talked about. So here goes.... I'm actually suffering from depression, stress and anxiety and have been on antidepressants since January. Things became a lot worse in February when my behaviour turned very self destructive, then took a turn for the worse more recently, as I had a break down.

So who is Ziggy Beaujangles?! He's our puppy! We got him about a month ago and honestly, after 24 hours I thought it was the worst decision of my life. 1 sleepless night and lots of cuddles later and I was a total mess! All the emotions that I had been suppressing for so long just came pouring out the more I stroked him. I am in no doubt that Ziggy triggered the mental breakdown, he came into my life at my lowest point, drained every last drop of emotion out of me and broke down the armour I was wearing.

The breakdown forced me to stop, take the day off work and go to the doctors. I don't really remember the doctors, quite often now I don't remember certain moments- it's like my mind is foggy when I try to think back to it. But going to the GP with my Mum there to support me was the start of what I feel will be a long journey to getting better. Long because I have a long way to go and long because everything takes so long. After going to the GP, I received a phone call a few days later from the mental health team. This phone call was difficult- it was hard to open up to a stranger and I have to admit I wasn't very 'open' I was however honest about what I had been doing to myself and how I had been feeling.

As a result of the phone conversation, I was referred for an initial assessment with the mental health team. This again was really hard. My Husband came with me this time. He was very supportive, stayed with me during the session and heard me tell the councillor things that even he didn't know, despite our 10 years together. My deepest and darkest secrets came out during this assessment and as a result, I was then referred to a more specialist team.

My appointment for that is on tomorrow and I'm very anxious about it. My problem has always been that I keep things to myself... Bottle them up, suppress them, whatever. Basically I put a smile on my face and a show for everyone else and just get on with things. Tomorrow i'm going to have to talk to the professional in order to get the help I need. This fills me with fear and anxiety, in fact I'm terrified! But I'll go, I'll talk and I will get better... I am determined to get better!
 

So that's the story so far. Ziggy broke me, but because he did, I can now begin to start fixing things back together. It might sound weird but I owe Ziggy a lot, perhaps even my life. So this post is dedicated to him- to Ziggy Beaujangles my little life saver... God bless you Ziggy beau x