Banana Phone

We like a Banana phone in this house. That is all for today!

You are my Sunshine

The sun has been shining a bit more recently, which just makes everything seem so much better and brighter! I heard someone say that living with depression is like living with a black cloud over you and it really made sense to me. It also made think of that quote:

"no one wants sadness, no one wants pain, but you can't see a rainbow, without a little rain"

One of the problems with my depression is a complete lack of enthusiasm for everything. I have no interest in getting up and starting the day, some days I wake up and cry because I woke up! To anyone who has no experience of depression, I know how odd that must sound. I have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, a loving family and caring friends, who all love me. But despite all this, sometimes I feel so hopeless that I just want to get away from it all. It's so sad and I hate it because it sounds like i'm ungrateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life. I'm not though and it is those that love me that keep me here, keep me focused to live life, even when it's the last thing I want to do.

The depression is not something that I can control and I have to live with it everyday, or, try to carry on living with it. So, to me, everyday, life can be a battle. A battle of my will to get better over my brain, which is telling me to just give up. But the sun shining helps and I'm going to look at the start of this new season as the start of me getting better.

On the days that the sun doesn't shine so bright, I will remember that I have my own little sunshine in George. I used to sing him the song 'You are my Sunshine' when he was little. So when the skies are grey and that black cloud is over me, I will hold my little man in my arms and sing him this song and let his love for me and my love for him over ride those feelings of hopelessness. George James Samuel Patterson- YOU are MY Sunshine!

 

 

 

Be Happy, Love Life!

So I went for my appointment with the mental health nurse this morning. It was emotionally draining but I got through it and am positive about the journey I am now beginning in order to get better. She is going to recommend another form of medication to my GP and has scheduled in another appointment with me in 2 weeks. she said today's appointment was about beginning to establish a relationship with her so that I feel 'safe' to talk through my issues. I did talk a bit but I soon had enough and asked to stop, which she was fine with.

I learnt recently that there are three ways to help depression:

1. Medication- After today, I am hoping this will soon be sorted. The medication I am on now isn't working, but hopefully I will see the benefits of taking something different within a few weeks.

2. Exercise- Taking Ziggy out for walks now that he has had his vaccinations is good and should be enjoyable now that the sun is shining more. When I feel a bit less anxious I would like to take the exercise up a notch and get back in to doing Pilates. I really enjoyed doing it before so I think it would be good for me to start up again.

3. Talking- Talking more will come in time I'm sure but for today a little was enough. I must learn to talk to family and friends more too- I think the saying goes 'a problem shared, is a problem halved'.

There are so many sayings out there, inspirational words and quotes about worrying less and living more. I've decided to download a few and have them as my screen saver for a while. I thought I'd share a couple with you- I find them quite encouraging so I hope you do too!

Spring is here!

We've taken Ziggy for his first outing to the beach. At first he wasn't to sure what to do on the lead but he soon got the hang of it. We all had a go at taking the lead so he gets used to different people walking him and George did really well at handling him. He loved meeting all the other dogs, although he was a bit over excited by it all! After our walk along the promenade we stopped at a little cafe for a cup of tea and some cake. Ziggy was obviously all tired out, as he fell asleep in a flower pot!

We've been to a family friends house and met their Lambs. George was really excited by this- he loves all animals and would like to be a vet when he grows up. He says he wants to be a normal vet first and then be a safari park vet, just like the ones on the TV show 'Animal Park' which is filmed at Longleat Safari Park

Back at home we have been out in the garden playing with Ziggy and drawing with outdoor crayons. George did a lot of large scale mark making and on his instruction, I had a go with the crayons too. They were a Christmas gift and this was the first time it has been warm enough to open them up and they them out. They were great fun, we both really enjoyed playing with them

We've been out for a few walks with Ziggy when the sun has been shining. We jumped in the car and headed over to Amma and Pop Pop's house (my parents) and set off for a stroll round the countryside. Once we ate off the road, George has been having a go at handling Ziggy. He done really well and is being really patient with him. One particular walk, George collected various 'treasures' and some flowers for Amma! George has a real thing about stones- he loves to collect them and bring them home to put in our garden or in his room.... Perhaps rather than a Vet, he'll actually be a Geologist!

We've also been on a walk near Grandma and Grandad's house with Ruby (George's Cousin) and Uncle Peter. Along the way, George and Ruby used large sticks as horses and swords whilst using their imaginations in various role play scenarios. We also discovered the most amazing wood at the top the field opposite their house! It will be perfect for den building, bug hunting, bird watching, treasure collecting, picnic eating and exploring.... George and I can't wait to check it out!

Ziggy Beaujangles

So this is my first post since January, when I declared in a new years resolution that I would try to write one post a week. Well that didn't turn out quite as planned! It's been a difficult time for me if i'm honest. I want to be honest and also want to try to break the habit of mental illness not being talked about. So here goes.... I'm actually suffering from depression, stress and anxiety and have been on antidepressants since January. Things became a lot worse in February when my behaviour turned very self destructive, then took a turn for the worse more recently, as I had a break down.

So who is Ziggy Beaujangles?! He's our puppy! We got him about a month ago and honestly, after 24 hours I thought it was the worst decision of my life. 1 sleepless night and lots of cuddles later and I was a total mess! All the emotions that I had been suppressing for so long just came pouring out the more I stroked him. I am in no doubt that Ziggy triggered the mental breakdown, he came into my life at my lowest point, drained every last drop of emotion out of me and broke down the armour I was wearing.

The breakdown forced me to stop, take the day off work and go to the doctors. I don't really remember the doctors, quite often now I don't remember certain moments- it's like my mind is foggy when I try to think back to it. But going to the GP with my Mum there to support me was the start of what I feel will be a long journey to getting better. Long because I have a long way to go and long because everything takes so long. After going to the GP, I received a phone call a few days later from the mental health team. This phone call was difficult- it was hard to open up to a stranger and I have to admit I wasn't very 'open' I was however honest about what I had been doing to myself and how I had been feeling.

As a result of the phone conversation, I was referred for an initial assessment with the mental health team. This again was really hard. My Husband came with me this time. He was very supportive, stayed with me during the session and heard me tell the councillor things that even he didn't know, despite our 10 years together. My deepest and darkest secrets came out during this assessment and as a result, I was then referred to a more specialist team.

My appointment for that is on tomorrow and I'm very anxious about it. My problem has always been that I keep things to myself... Bottle them up, suppress them, whatever. Basically I put a smile on my face and a show for everyone else and just get on with things. Tomorrow i'm going to have to talk to the professional in order to get the help I need. This fills me with fear and anxiety, in fact I'm terrified! But I'll go, I'll talk and I will get better... I am determined to get better!
 

So that's the story so far. Ziggy broke me, but because he did, I can now begin to start fixing things back together. It might sound weird but I owe Ziggy a lot, perhaps even my life. So this post is dedicated to him- to Ziggy Beaujangles my little life saver... God bless you Ziggy beau x